Why Our Lovers Are Attracted to Our Best Friends

In the movie, "Hope Floats," with Sandra Bullock, her husband walks out to pursue a relationship with her best friend. Ouch! Unfortunately, this is a common happening. Infidelity is painful enough without your best friend being the other person. Do you know of anyone who has had this painful experience?

As a Marriage, Family Therapist, I had the opportunity to uncover this problem with clients. For example, Frank and his wife bought a resort in the country. They hired his best friend, John, to assist her while he continued his job in the city to support their investment. The couple was planning to retire there in 10 years.

Frank made the long trip to the resort most weekends. A year later, his wife, Elizabeth, filed for divorce. Besides feeling terrible that his dream was shattered, he was devastated to find out why. John and his wife had been lovers and intended to get married.

Susan loved her younger sister, Hannah, and felt she was her best friend. The computer salesperson was shocked to discover that Hannah, who was often jealous of her sister's relationship, was having an affair with her husband.

These are just some examples of the many cases of this phenomenon. Why would our best friends be disloyal to us? There are no excuses for this unfaithful behavior. However, it helps to understand the contributing factors.

I discovered that our friends are often a lot like us. They focus on the same things and have similar strengths and interests. People who are right-brain dominant live a lot in their feelings and creativity and are more likely to have friends who are also that way. Men and women who are dominant left-brain are more attracted to friends who are also very mental and logical.

To the contrary, lovers are likely to have the opposite strengths to balance each other. We have often heard the expression, "Opposites attract." For example, Frank and his best friend, John, were both left-brain dominant. However, his wife was right-brain dominant. John's personality was very similar to Frank's. Since his wife Elizabeth was attracted to Frank, she was also open to loving John.

It is the same scenario with Susan and her sister who were both very pretty and very much alike. Her husband was easily drawn to Hannah.

Another factor is that your best friends and siblings often spend time a lot of time with you and your partner. Therefore, it is easy for your lover to get involved with them.

Finally, I also discovered that, in all the cases, the couples' relationships had problems that were not being resolved. In fact, that truth came out in the movie with Sandra Bullock. Both of them were feeling unfulfilled when her husband had an affair with her best friend.

The key here is to keep your relationship alive and resolve any problems. People usually do not go looking elsewhere when they are happy and fulfilled. Also, be aware of friends who express their jealousy of your relationship. Their insecurities may supersede their loyalty to you.

Finally, if your lover leaves you for another, especially for your best friend, they obviously cannot be trusted to be in integrity and loyal to you. They are likely to demonstrate the same insensitive negative behavior with your best friend. Once you heal the hurt and learn from your experience, move on to a healthier partner and create a more successful relationship. No matter what others do or say, you are lovable and you deserve a loving, long lasting relationship.